Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures (and other short stories)

[Alfred F. Jones]

?All right, are we done for tonight?? Yuka walked out of the row of houses, with Sanae and Kurumi behind her. ?Hey, where's Elly??

Kurumi panicked for a moment, then heard, ?Right here!? Elly emerged from the thick of the crowd, adjusting her scythe. ?So, are we going to Higan for some more candy??

?No, we shouldn't,? Kurumi said, feeling nervous. ?Can we just go home now and play Actress Again or something??

Yuka looked at her, then sighed and smiled, ruffling the vampire girl's hair. ?Sure. I think we have enough sugar and candy for one night, anyway.?

Kurumi nodded, feeling somewhat relieved that Yuka was with them still, then amused at her relief.

?Oh, but first we should go by the Myouren Temple!? Sanae reminded them.

?Good point,? Yuka said, and they walked down the fast-darkening path to the Temple. Before long, though, they were wandering in the dark, and Kurumi thought she heard noises behind her at every step.

?What is that noise?? Sanae asked, confirming Kurumi's worst suspicions.

?I don't know,? Yuka admitted. ?Elly, did you hear anything??

No response. Kurumi reached out in the darkness, but didn't find her.

?She's gone?? Sanae asked.

?I think we're close to the Temple,? Yuka said, turning back to the path. ?See, it should be just around the corner. I'll look for Elly, you guys head in.?

?No, we should stick together,? Kurumi begged, but Yuka brushed her off and wandered off into the quiet darkness.

Sanae and Kurumi stood there, looking nervous.

?No explosions,? Sanae muttered. ?Something's wrong. Quick, hold on to my hand.?

Kurumi did so, trembling.

?Now let's go to the Temple. At least we might be able to get Byakuren to help find Yuka and Elly.?

As Yuka had said, the Temple was just around the corner, past a small outcropping of trees, but they could barely see it. No lights were on, and the Temple, normally a quiet place of meditation and peace, was eerie and pitch-black.

?This is a really good place to get killed by a serial killer,? Sanae observed.

?Well, it's either that or stay out here,? Kurumi said, shaking. She was thinking of how weak she was. She was just a stage two boss, after all... Sanae was a stage five, but it wasn't the same as having Yuka with her. They had to protect one another at any cost.

Sanae shook her head. ?We might have a better chance out here, but we're getting picked off outside too. Something's after us. Let's at least go inside where we can defend against siege.?

Kurumi nodded, and Sanae pulled her along by her hand to the Temple. They swung the gate open; no sign of Nazrin, or Shou. They crossed the grounds; no sign of Ichirin and Unzan. They pushed the temple doors open; no sign of Murasa, or even Nue.

Their footsteps echoed through the complex. The atmosphere wasn't sombre or calm; it was menacing and dark. Sanae stepped in first, pulling Kurumi along. Kurumi heard Sanae's breathing; it was sharp, nervous.

?It's here,? Sanae muttered, pulling out her gohei. ?I can feel it.?

?Then let's leave...?

?No. It's outside too.? Sanae stepped forward. ?We have to go in. Inside is the source. This way.?

?Can we beat it?? Kurumi asked quietly.

?... I don't know,? the priestess admitted. ?But we have to try.?

The two girls made their way through the Temple, going further up and further in. Kurumi felt what felt like cold breath on her neck, but when she turned, there was no one there. She shivered and continued after Sanae, who hadn't let go of her hand.

They reached the second floor. Now Kurumi began to feel horrible. There was something there in the dark, she knew. It wasn't many things... it was one. It was quiet, a nightmare given form and flesh, fed by its own loathsome evil thoughts, a recursive physical shadow brought to hateful life.

It wasn't Yuka, Kanako, or Byakuren. It wasn't even Yukari. This was... something else. Something... other. Apart. Different. And wrong.

A rustle in the darkness.

?Sanae?? Kurumi muttered.

A light turned on.

The stacked-up bodies of Kanako, Suwako, Ichirin, Nazrin, Shou, Byakuren, everybody-- they were piled up against the far wall. They were still alive, it seemed; the visible flow of energy to the center of the room proved that much.

?Pride is fear of losing to another.?

Kurumi paled in terror. Yuka was slumped against the far wall, Nue lying over her legs. Energy in the form of green sparkles moving through the air was draining from her to the center of the room.

?Fears create youkai.?

Sanae held on to Kurumi's hand more tightly than ever. Her heartbeat pulsed through her grip. Kurumi was too scared to move, run, scream--

?And on this night, a night of terror and fear, the power of youkai grows stronger.?

There was a humming low sound in the back. It was a low rumble against the blackness of the Temple, a perverse moan of dark intent that beat to a constant rhythm, never changing.

?A youkai who doesn't use their power is nothing at all.?

Kogasa turned towards them, a sick wide grin on her umbrella's face. The mad fire in her eyes shone even more brightly as it met their eyes.

?Surprised yet??

-----

[Alfred F. Jones]

Kogasa was the youkai of surprise. On normal days, she was a weakling. On normal nights, she became horrifyingly powerful. And on abnormal nights, she was nigh-omnipotent. On a night like this, she became a god of sorts; every trick anyone pulled on someone, every time a surprising trick was pulled, fed her like a prayer fed a god. And on Halloween, this reached its maximum output.

Against this, Sanae didn't stand a chance. The will of one teenage girl against a creature fed by the universal surprise of Gensokyo? An unlikely contest, though to her credit, one she took on.

Sanae leapt at Kogasa, her gohei shining a bright green in the dim. Wielding it like Youmu wielded Hakurouken, she attacked the youkai, who laughed and blasted her away with a surprisingly fast volley of blue orbs.

?You can't beat me tonight!? Kogasa laughed as Sanae slumped against the wall, sliding down, a slimy trail of her red blood clinging to the wall in her wake. ?Not tonight, when I have the power of a god! Tonight, I'm being fed the surprise of an entire nation!?

Sanae's eyes flew open. ?Gray Thaumaturgy!? she declared, shooting a volley of red and blue stars at her. Kogasa just laughed some more and batted them away with her umbrella.

?What the--? Kurumi stammered as she watched Kogasa zoom over and smack Sanae into another wall with her umbrella, hearing the sound of bone snapping. ?She's monstrous!?

?Don't just stand there, help me! Please!? Sanae yelled as she grit her teeth and slammed an amulet onto her broken right arm. In a flash of green light, her arm was whole again. Kogasa was suddenly there; Sanae gasped in shock. The youkai sneered and pulled her up by the hair, slamming her into the ceiling legs-first. Sanae screamed in pain as her legs shattered; Kogasa then dropped her to the floor as she sobbed in pain.

?Oh, it's you,? Kogasa said, looking bored as she glanced at Kurumi. ?The weak vampire. Just get out of here.?

?You're a stage two boss,? Kurumi muttered. ?How did you get this powerful??

?Faith is a powerful thing.? Kogasa smiled. ?Fear is stronger. Tonight, on Halloween, the dead are celebrated and death is itself feared. Death doesn't ask politely to make an appointment. It's a surprise. The best surprise of all.?

?You're insane,? Kurumi muttered.

Kogasa giggled. ?Well, maybe. Blame Yuka. Her energy is making me slightly crazy, if you will.?

?Rin, Pyō, Tō, Sha, Ka--?

Sanae had only begun to chant when Kogasa was suddenly there again, snapping her fingers back before she could make the nine syllable signs.

?Boo,? she said as Sanae screamed in pain. Kurumi winced.

?Are you just going to stand there?? Kogasa observed, kicking Sanae in the chest. ?You're not going to help at all??

?I can't help,? Kurumi said, her shoulders sagging. ?I'm weak. Just a stage two boss.?

?Hey, don't let being a stage two boss keep you from being powerful,? Kogasa snickered. ?It'd be surprising if you beat me, though, but that would just make me stronger, wouldn't it??

?Oh, how did I get mixed up in this?? Kurumi asked no one in particular, falling onto her knees.

?Eh, that's enough of that,? Kogasa huffed, wiping off her hands onto Sanae's shirt. ?Back to gathering more energy.? She walked back to the group and continued to drain them of their energy. Her umbrella was getting bigger and bigger, and a faint blue aura surrounded Kogasa as she became even stronger. She had to be at least phantasm-level by now.

?Hey... Kurumi,? Sanae whispered. ?Please... stop her. Somehow...?

?Stop your talking,? Kogasa snapped, turning to look at Sanae, who was crawling across the floor, her bleeding, broken legs leaving a trail of blood.

?Please,? Sanae begged. ?You have to stop her... save Gensokyo before Kogasa becomes too powerful...?

?I... can't,? Kurumi said. ?I don't have anything, no spellcards or power--?

?You have that spellcard Flandre gave you,? Sanae said weakly. ?Earlier.?

?It's blank, though,? Kurumi replied, pulling it out. ?I'm PC-98, I don't really understand spellcards...?

?What is that?? Kogasa asked, angry. ?I took everyone's spellcards away. You got one past me. Interesting.? Kogasa hefted her umbrella, holding it like a lance. ?Hand it over, or Sanae's going to get it.?

?Stop her!? Sanae yelled, closing her eyes and glowing with bright green light. When it cleared, Sanae was back on her feet, holding her gohei like a sword.

?Kurumi, charge her! You use that spellcard! I'll back you up!?

?A last stand, eh?? Kogasa grinned. ?Sounds like fun!?

?Rin, Pyō, Tō, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen!? Sanae chanted, her gohei lighting up with green fire. ?COME ON!? she declared, extending her hand to Kurumi. ?I know you can help me beat her. Let's do this together!?

Kurumi shook her head. ?I'm so weak, though.?

Sanae laughed. ?Kurumi, you're the only one I have left. Not even Yuka was able to escape Kogasa, but you did. And Kogasa is also a stage two boss. You can help me, Kurumi! I believe in you!?

The vampire blinked, looked down at the card, and then looked back up.

?... really??

?Really.? Sanae grinned. ?Now let's go and bring this bitch down.?

?... yes!? Kurumi nodded, taking her hand and getting back onto her feet.

Kogasa snickered. ?You're daring to challenge me? Okay.? She hefted the umbrella, facing it at Kurumi point-first. ?I'll kill you, just so you know.?

?I'm undead,? Kurumi pointed out, her claws extending. ?Remember, I'm a vampire! And we're full of surprises!?

Sanae nodded. ?Let's go!?

"Let's settle this." Kogasa charged forward, throwing her umbrella like a spear--Kurumi's shoulder exploded in a shower of blood. She grit her teeth and charged, her claws ready to slash--

?AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--? Kurumi screamed.

"RAAAAA--!" Kogasa howled.

"Sea cucumber!" Sanae said.

A hand-sized slug, presumably a sea slug, appeared an inch in front of Kogasa's face. It plopped on. Kogasa stumbled, ripped the thing off, and saw, too late, that Kurumi had the final blow.

She slapped her only spellcard onto Kogasa's chest. ?LAST WORD!? she declared as Kogasa began to panic, and rightfully so. A hellishly bright red aura surrounded Kurumi as the spellcard lit up with energy.

?VERMILION CITADEL - WAVE MOTION GUN!?

-----

Five minutes later

?Good going,? Sanae muttered. ?I think you broke Gensokyo.?

Kurumi looked at the huge wall in Gensokyo's reality she had just blasted open.

?So it seems. So it seems.?

?... I'd better put it back,? the priestess said, waving her gohei.

-----

?So... Kurumi Scarlet really is your name?? Byakuren asked. They were sitting around on the Myouren Temple's roof, having a picnic. Kogasa was forcibly providing shade. She had been tied up and stretched out over the roof.

Kurumi nodded. ?Remilia is my cousin. And unlike her, I really *am* a descendant of Tepes.?

?My, my,? Yuka laughed, punching Kurumi's shoulder. ?Looks like you really are powerful inside, after all!?

?How surprising,? Kogasa muttered, annoyed. Murasa hit her with an anchor.

?I have to wonder, though,? Kurumi pondered as everyone else ganged up on Kogasa, using her as a pi?ata. ?Kogasa was possessed by an Elder God... but we didn't summon it. How did it get here...??

-----

?Ooh, tough luck, Yumemi. Azathoth has woken up. All investigators are devoured in a wave of... pure fun. Game over.?

Yumemi sighed and tossed her dice to Chiyuri. ?Geez, this new expansion is such a pain.?

?Could be worse.? Renko sipped from a cup of tea. ?We could live in a world where all of this horrible stuff was possible.?

?Good thing we don't live in a place that's powered by people's disbelief or something!? Maribel grinned.

In the background, Kana hung a lampshade and went to order some pizza.


I officially have no idea where I was going with this.



Regardless, Happy Halloween to all!

_{Though Serp did want to see me turn a funny story into a horror fic, then whiplash back to funny. I hope this is a step in that direction.}

[Jana]

...I'm really, really happy that I mentioned Osaka and the Yellow Sign and Kanako mentioned The King in Yellow on IRC today~<3

[Alfred F. Jones]

...I'm really, really happy that I mentioned Osaka and the Yellow Sign and Kanako mentioned The King in Yellow on IRC today~<3

You should be.

Unlike Kaorin, though, I think Yuka would happily beat the shit out of Hastur. Yuka is basically the reason why I can type Hastur over and over again without fear of consequences. Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Ha

[Jana]

Hooray~<3 Yuka is the sort to do that kind of thing~

Oh, Kanako and I have been having a lot of fun with Lovecraft on IRC. Kanathoth and Nyarjanthotep really enjoyed making the best of the end of Halloween.

[Serp]

"Bleh, lighthearted comedy isn't my strong point.  I doubt any of my more specific ideas would make for a fun story."

When you asked me for any further ideas, I had this reply typed up, but I deleted it unsent.  So, you can imagine that I'm rather...  surprised. :3  Pleasantly so, of course.  You have a very distinctive style, Ruro.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

I stopped reading it after the Alice bit. Fuck you.

[Esifex]

Love. Lessthanthree.

[nintendonut888]

Why did you not tell me you wrote the newest installment? :< This was great as always. Your fic single-handedly made Kurumi from simply a pretty face into someone made of pure undistilled AWESOME.

[Drake]

I was expecting a new story thanks a lot Donut >:(

[Kasu]

I was expecting a new story thanks a lot Donut

DX

As was I.

[Alfred F. Jones]

[19:30] <Reisen-Rurongein-Inaba> Rou: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVtuD4aWDT8#t=4m0s, twenty seconds in.
[19:30] <Keine> Title: YouTube - SMA Series Episode 9 (at www.youtube.com)
[19:31] * Roukan will now see Shou speaking in this voice for all time.
[19:32] <Reisen-Rurongein-Inaba> "This isn't a cult! This is ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!"
[19:32] <Roukan> "THEY WILL BE MISERABLE LIKE ME!"

Anyway, Rou wanted an A-Team parody. Rou is getting an A-Team parody.

You'll need this. Hold on to your seats, folks, this is gonna be one HELL of a ride!


Part One - Prologue

?Oh, I can't wait to make people repent today!?

Shikieiki Yamaxanadu stood on the shores of Muenzuka, watching the sun rise. Her long, gorgeous, sexy green hair fell over her shoulders, still a bit wet from her daily morning purification bath in the waters of the Sanzu. She was dressed in her usual outfit, and she stood there, letting the warmth of the sun dry off her hair. The bottom of her skirt moved in the breeze, exposing her long, sensual, soft but firm legs that just make everyone who sees them want to push her down onto a hammock, pull her dress up, and strok--

... oh, whoops. Lost my head for a moment there.

The beautiful judge of the dead looked out over the field of Higanbana as the sun rose. But as the first rays of sunlight shone out over the plain, ominous music began to play, and she started to feel uneasy. She felt something stirring...

?Something is... wrong...? Shikieiki murmured as she narrowed her eyes.

?Dats right, biyatch!?

Shikieiki looked up, only to see the briefest glimpse of an eggplant umbrella strapped to the back of someone with a black, ski-masked covered head before a wooden sandal smashed into her head and she lost consciousness.

-----

The Netherworld, Hakugyokurou Pagoda

"This is terrible!" Youmu exclaimed, shoving a picture into Yuyuko's face as they sat at the table together. Aya, who had flown by with the latest news, had brought it to her. It showed Shikieiki bound and gagged, with several fairies standing astride her, switchblades at the ready to cut her down if she tried to escape. The note was written in cut-out Bunbunmaru Newspaper clippings pasted on it.

"'If chu eva want ur shikibitch back den couff up ten million faith pointz'," Yuyuko sounded out, doing her best to try and read the note.

"That's so gangsta," Youmu muttered. "Who the heck writes like this in Gensokyo?"*

"No idea," Yuyuko replied. "It seems familiar, but..."

"Well, we have to rescue her!" Youmu snapped. "It's time for us to form the Netherworld team again!" She stood and put her hand in a fist over her heart. "For great justice! The best scoring team in Gensokyo returns!"

"Can't," Yuyuko said, eating a slice of fried eggplant. "I promised to teach Kogasa techniques to surprise people today."

Youmu looked at her and facepalmed.

As Yuyuko went off to get ready for the day, the half-ghost flew over and out the Netherworld Gate, absentmindedly wandering across Gensokyo as she wracked her brain for a solution to the problem. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the Judge of the Dead, was missing, and without her legs lawfulness, Gensokyo would surely descend into chaos!

Eventually, she began to get hungry again, and so she went to the nearest restaurant.

"Oh, Youchrist!" Youmu exclaimed as she sat at a table in at Myouren Temple Vegetarian Bar and Grille.

"Is there a problem?" A male waiter asked as Youmu banged her head on the table.

"The owner of the best legs in Gensokyo, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu-- she's been kidnapped!" Youmu wailed. "It's a threat to the security of all Gensokyo!"

"Sounds bad," the blonde waiter nodded, putting a strawberry soda in front of the panicking half-ghost girl.

"It's incredibly bad, and the one playable character who would do anything about it is too busy trying to teach umbrella girls better techniques to surprise people!" Youmu complained, turning to the waiter and knocking the soda off of the table with one swoop of her oversized swords. "If only I could find someone to help!"

"You got money?" the waiter asked.

"I can always get a ton of Yuyuko's cash. I balance her checkbook, after all," Youmu replied.

"Then--" the waiter replied, grinning, ripping off her outfit to reveal a slick blue suit jacket, black blouse and slacks, and her true identity as the very female Shou Toramaru-- "You just got yourself the J-Team!"*

*So named for JUSTICE!

In the Summer of 2009 it was revealed that a peace-loving Buddhist monk was sealed up for saving the persecuted youkai from humans. Her friends promptly escaped from a maximum security rock in the underground world of Chireiden to the skies of Gensokyo and rescued her for absolute justice, so declared by the totally righteous Judge of the Dead. Still worshiped by youkai today, they live as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem-- if no one else can help-- and if you can find them-- maybe you can hire...

Kurumi and Elly _{even though Elly's 90% not in this} 3.5.5: The J-Team


Myouren Temple Vegetarian Bar and Grille

"You're the J-Team," Youmu said dimly, looking over at Shou, Yumemi, Komachi, and Kurumi.

Shou grinned. "I'm the leader, Yumemi is the brains, Komachi is the brawn, and Kurumi is the crazy-ass stage two boss who does the Kurumi and Elly comedy show."

Kurumi raised her sunglasses and nodded as she switched the safety off of her 12-gauge shotgun. "Fuck, we're never gonna get to Kurumi and Elly 4 at this rate." She shot into the air, cackling. "Oh well!"

The J-Team stood by Yumemi's TARDIS, now in the form of a large van painted in camouflage with the letters "J-Team" airbrushed in high quality graffiti on the side.

Yumemi grinned, patting the side of the TARDIS. "Looks nice, don't you think?"

"How are you going to get anywhere in that thing?!" Youmu snapped.

"You just leave that to me." Yumemi winked at her.

"Look, we've got to get Shikieiki back," the half-ghost insisted.

"I don't see what the problem is," Komachi huffed. "It's only my workaholic boss."

"It's in the name of ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!" Shou exploded, grabbing Komachi by the shoulders and shaking her.

"I still don't see the problem," the shinigami muttered. "We can get Reimu to do it, she's just down the road."

"No, Komachi, this is an insult to the ideal of JUSTICE!" Shou replied, rolling up her sleeves and getting into the van as Kurumi hopped into the driver's seat.

"But you don't know where to go!" Youmu protested.

"Sure we do!" Yumemi exclaimed. "I'll just track the letter's passage through time with the TARDIS, back to the sender! Ahahahahaha!"

"Let's get this party started, punks!" Kurumi exclaimed, flooring the accelerator and smashing the van out of the temple in a thunderous explosion of lumber.

[Alfred F. Jones]

Part Two - the Brown Derby Jump

BGM - ?Brown Derby Jump? by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies

Jump
Jump, jump, jump

The J-Team TARDIS roared out onto the open road of Gensokyo's only street, smashing aside fruit carts and roadside vendors, going on the opposite side of the road and causing humans and youkai alike to jump out of the way, carts flipping over and bursting into flame in its wake.

A few hundred implausible explosions later, the TARDIS screeched to a halt in front of "Bad Applebee's."

Jump
Jump, jump, jump

With a dramatic headwind in front of them, blowing their hair back, Shou, Komachi, Yumemi, and Kurumi strode forth from the van, the camera circling around them with contemporary swing music playing in the background.

A Nameless Fairy guarding the front door briefly considered challenging the four. Other nameless fairies lounging around the restaurant shared the sentiment as they watched the J-Team approach.

Komachi narrowed her eyes and twirled her wickedly sharp scythe in her hands.

She was a woman of mystery

The Nameless Fairy squealed and fled. The murmuring stopped.

Shou kicked the door to the seedy bar down and walked in with total confidence, sitting at a bar surrounded by at least ten Nameless Fairies.

And what she wanted I could not see

"Gimme a pint," Shou asked as Kurumi and the others entered and dispersed throughout the restaurant.

"We don't serve your kind here." Elly adjusted her low-cut dress, smiling at Shou, a dark gleam in her eye.

"And what kind would that be?" Shou replied as the ten Nameless Fairies around her stood and produced switchblades, clicking them open.

"Bad... meat," Elly replied with a smile.

A three-year trip on the dragon

The next second, Shou had jumped up out of her chair, leapt over the bar, grabbed a bottle of apple cider, and thrown it over the bartender, smashing it into some fairies' heads.

Komachi licked her lips and charged forward, uppercutting two fairies at once in the stomach with the pole of her scythe, throwing them up in the air and then spin-kicking two more over the bar.

'till the clinic had to get me clean

Yumemi charged up her scientific magic and shot the nearest fairies in the back with red crosses.

Kurumi walked over to Elly, reached into her cleavage, and pulled out a cell phone. She copied down Elly's number, put the cell phone back, then took a drink of apple cider from a bottle, set it on fire, and casually tossed it behind her back into some fairies as Yumemi's crosses crashed into them, knocking them down like bowling pins.

We were a party, and always drunk

The sound of a door slamming in the back could be heard as someone tried to make their escape. Shou and Yumemi looked at each other and nodded, leaping over the bar and heading out the back door.

The person trying to run away froze as a red cross almost hit them in the feet.

Turning around, the person's identity was revealed-- Murasa Minamitsu!

Before I knew it, the wreckage sunk

"You'll never stop us!" Murasa declared, reaching behind her back and pulling out a huge anchor. She swung it around, releasing it like a discus. "You'll NEVER WIN!" She leapt up and jumped on its surface, flying away.

Murasa began to laugh hysterically, the laughter stopping short as she coughed and gasped. Her eyes widened; she looked down at her chest and saw a green laser sticking out of her chest, and coughed up point items. She fell off the anchor, smashing into the ground as Yumemi gave Shou a thumbs up.

Shake, trip, shimmy and we'll do the bump

Shou nodded to Yumemi. "Bring out the torture device."

A few minutes later... "Open wide~" Yumemi giggled as she pried Murasa's mouth open with her Sonic Screwdriver. "This won't hurt one bit~"

"NO! NO! Stop it, please!!" Murasa screamed. "I'll tell you anything you want to know!"

Everybody's swingin' to the Brown Derby Jump!

-----

The J-Team TARDIS roared down Gensokyo's only street once again. In her hand, Kurumi held a map, and was following a confused, convoluted trail to a spot marked "HIDEOUT" on the other end.

The beautiful life is always damned

As the van passed the path to the Bamboo Forest, two Nameless Fairies on simple metal-frame bicycles nodded to each other and began to pursue the van.

Kurumi narrowed her eyes as she looked in her rear view mirror and saw the fairies in hot pursuit pulling out machine guns from behind their back. They began firing.

You gotta fall into the quicksand

Grabbing the emergency brake, Kurumi spun the van in a tight arc and leveled her shotgun at the fairy, blowing all her ammo and sending the bike and its rider up into the air. It exploded into a fireball.

As the van slowed to a stop, the second fairy doubled back and began to pedal towards it. Shou climbed out of a window and slung herself onto the roof, shooting a volley of yellow lasers at the pursuing fairy. The fairy raised an arm to block the laser, lost her balance, and the bike exploded in a thermonuclear fireball.

A deadly kiss from a temptress can serve

The J-Team TARDIS van burst though an ornate metal gate, zooming onto the grounds of a completely unbelievable modern mansion located just within spitting distance of Moriya Shrine. Just as everyone was about to pile out, all hell broke loose and bullets began to rain down onto the van. Descending from the skies, an army of Nameless Fairies, led by Nazrin, Ichirin, and Unzan, advanced on the TARDIS.

To make a truly wayward man

The J-Team got out of the right side of the van, using the left as a shield while Yumemi handed out some "toys" to the Team.

?Awwwwwwwwrite, which one o' ya wants a piece o' THIS?!? Kurumi cackled as she cranked her plasma shotgun up to its highest setting and blasted a phalanx of the fairies apart.

Yumemi laughed her best mad scientist laugh, pulled out a cross-shaped gun with strawberry bullets inside, and shot them at Nazrin, watching as she fell down in an explosion of red strawberry filling, along with two dozen other fairies.

She's not a talker, her teeth are fixed

Komachi whipped out her scythe, summoned her Titanic out of the ether, and charged headlong at Ichirin, slashing down hordes of fairies in her way. As Ichirin fled, Komachi reached out and grabbed Unzan by a wisp of cloud and held him in place, swinging him like a club into a battalion of fairies.

Still, the hordes of fairies surged forwards.

But she's a looker that lives for kicks

The shinigami grit her teeth. Tossing Unzan into the crowd into Ichirin's head and knocking fairies down like dominoes, she swept through the advancing army, her scythe flashing as red point items exploded everywhere.

A nightmare straight from an Otto Dix

Without any leaders, the Nameless Fairies looked at each other in confusion. They finally knew fear, and began a hesitant retreat.

Komachi smirked and cracked her knuckles.

The fairies began to flee en masse as Yumemi gave chase in her flying TARDIS van, with Kurumi on the roof, commanding the ship's plasma cannon and firing red fireballs at them.

Everybody's swingin' with the Brown Derby chicks!

[Alfred F. Jones]

Shou, seeing her chance, ran into the mansion and ran down the halls, the pagoda of Vaisravana in hand, hoping to run into the final boss. Suddenly, she saw Shikieiki in a room, lying on the floor, bound and gagged, guarded by Nue. The chimera youkai hefted her trident, smiling at Shou as they prepared to have a showdown.

Shikieiki's eyes widened, and she screamed through her gag for Shou to run. But the tiger youkai just chuckled and tossed the pagoda to the side.

Nue looked puzzled. Then she smiled. "Geez, they told me you were a moronic ditz, but I didn't think it was that bad." She came closer.

Do the jump

As Nue stepped over the miniature pagoda, Shou whispered up a quick prayer, and the miniature pagoda exploded with light, lasers flying everywhere.

The chimera youkai burst into flame, screamed, and toppled over, point items exploding out of her chest. The master, looking down from the shadows, scowled for a moment and then fled to her secondary location.

Do the jump

Shou picked up the pagoda and smirked down at Nue. "I'm not as bad as you, at least." She stowed the pagoda away safely in her pocket.

Then she walked over to Shikieiki and untied the blushing green-haired lover of justice.

"Rawr," Shou purred as the sounds of death and carnage from the battle outside sounded in the background.

"Let me show you the true meaning of judgment..." Shikieiki licked her lips as she shivered and pressed herself to Shou, wanting, needing, etc.

"Teach me the ways of justice, baby," Shou replied, lowering the both of them to the ground as a Nameless Fairy smashed into the room from outside, sailing right over their heads.

Everybody do the jump

"OH YES, MY TIGER! THAT'S THE MEANING OF DIVINE JUSTICE! YES!"

Do the jump

"Mmm, those LEGS!"

Do the jump

"SHOU! SHOU! THE LIGHT OF YOUR JUDGMENT IS-- IS--! OH, SHOU--!"

Five minutes later

Shou got up and buttoned up her shirt back up. A hero's work was never done, and the person who had kidnapped Shikieiki still needed to be brought to absolute justice. Looking down at the blushing judge, she gave her a thumbs-up.

I've come a long way and now I'm me

The next second, a black blur whooshed into existence before her.

Short, with blue hair reaching beneath her ski mask, she wore a black ninja outfit and had an eggplant umbrella strapped to her back, but had somehow forgotten to change her bottom, so that her skirt flared out, showing off the second sexiest pair of legs in Gensokyo.

The darkest river that meets the sea

"SAHPRIZE, BITCH!"

Shou raised an eyebrow.

?Wait, is that how gangsta people say 'surprise'? Sahprize.?

The tiger youkai shrugged.

"Okay, so maybe the affected gangsta accent is stupid,? Kogasa said, ripping off her mask and laughing. She whipped out two combat umbrellas. ?Anyway, URAMESHIYA, BITCH!"

And all those lights on the harbor seem

Shou pulled out her spear. Dropping to the floor, she swung the pole and knocked Kogasa's feet out from under her. She wasn't going to let Kogasa hit her with another one of her crazy surprise attacks.

"Let me go!" Kogasa screamed, as the tall tiger youkai grabbed her under the arms and lifted her up. She tried to smash Shou in the head with an umbrella, but Shou saw it coming, and caught it in one hand.

To be sparklin' an' bittersweet

Grinning, the tiger youkai shook her finger no at Kogasa. "That's not very nice!"

The rebellious karakasa bit the finger. Shou responded by smacking her on the head.

Reaching behind her, Kogasa pulled out her eggplant umbrella and snapped it open in front of Shou's face. Surprised, Shou lost her grip and dropped her.

I'm a survivor, my heart is tough

Kogasa landed on her feet, her wooden sandals clacking against the ground. She held her umbrella like a two-handed sword. Shou flicked her hair to the side and hefted her spear again, holding out a hand for balance.

Then they charged at one another, Kogasa swinging her umbrella up like a baseball bat, Shou aiming the blunt end of her spear at the karakasa's chest. Roaring, the two combatants rushed to meet each other-- Shou lunged, Kogasa smashed--

I'm hangin' in there, and that's enough

Shou grazed Kogasa's chest, tearing into her side and leaving a thin red line that began to bleed beneath Kogasa's armpit. The karakasa smashed her umbrella's wooden sandal into the back of Shou's head, dazing her. Shou staggered on a few paces, just long enough for Kogasa to grit her teeth and pounce on her back. The tiger youkai fell, landing on Kogasa. Regaining some of her sensibility, Shou rolled over and forced Kogasa down, and the two rolled around on the ground trading kicks and punches and losing various bits of clothing in the vicious scuffle.

Shou straddled Kogasa and reared up, ready to smash her head in with the pagoda of Vaisravana, but then Kogasa summoned her last resort-- she fumbled in her pockets, pulling out a spellcard, and closing her eyes, she let out a quick incantation --

Shake, trip, shimmy and we'll do the bump

?LIGHTLY FALLING LARGE RAINDROPS!?

Much to Shou's surprise, Kogasa began to glow with wild blue light, going into her EX Mode. The karakasa grinned as Shou lost her grip on her, and she drew her umbrella, ready to explode lasers right in front of Shou's face. But then--

Everybody's swingin' to the Brown Derby Jump!

?Frognuke!? Shou yelled, destroying Kogasa?s first spellcard. It vanished in a puff of power items.

Kogasa looked at her, then pulled out a second card. ?GUERILLA TYPHOO--?

?FROGNUKE!?

Kogasa looked like she was about to cry as she pulled out her last spellcard, but she quickly regained her confidence. ?Well, you don?t have any bombs left now, do you?! KARAKASA SURPRISING SL--?

?ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!? Shou roared as she blasted Kogasa in the face with the light of Vaisravana. She tried to get up, but behind her, Yumemi?s cape fluttered into view as the scientist stepped on her umbrella.

Jump
Jump, jump, jump

The karakasa paled as she suddenly found herself facing the whole J-Team, who were standing over her, looking beat-up and glowering.

"It's over, Kogasa," Shou panted as she leveled her spear at the karakasa's throat.

Do the jump
Do the jump
Do the jump

"Oh no it isn't!" a voice cried out from the rafters.

Looking up, the J-Team found themselves staring at the shadowy true final boss---

Everybody do the jump!

--Byakuren Hiziri!

"Byakuren-san?!" Youmu cried out, completely confused as to how she was suddenly back in the plot after all these paragraphs.

"That's right!" Byakuren exclaimed. "I'm the one who set up this super 1980's plot to kidnap Eiki-chan!"

"But why?" Shou demanded.

Suddenly the whole room lit up and balloons and confetti fell from the sky.

"CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PLAYABLE IN TOUHOU 13!!!" Byakuren cheered as a dance mix of The Tiger-Patterned Vaisravana began to play in the background and the party got started.

"But that hasn't been announced yet," Shou protested as lingerie-clad Shikieiki and Yumemi fed her some strawberry pie.

"Clerical error. Don't ask too many questions," Byakuren snapped, frowning. "Just take it for what it is."

"In that case, you bet," Shou chuckled, pulling Shikieiki and Yumemi down on top of her and getting out the whipped cream. "Oh man, this is gonna be the best five minutes of my life!!"

-----

[Alfred F. Jones]

Part Three - Epilogue

?Man,? Shikieiki observed as she took a long, slow draw on her cigarette. ?These new bosses have, like, no stamina at all.?

?I agree,? Yumemi said as she patted a sobbing Shou. ?Nothing like us dual-shooter game bosses who can go at it on lunatic for twenty minutes at a time.?

Shikieiki and Yumemi looked at each other.

Then Yumemi pounced.

GOOD EN--

?Hold on just a moment!? Elly scowled, walking in front of the curtains. ?I've got a score to settle with you!?

Kurumi poked her head out of the curtains, watching her best friend rail against the fates.

?I'm a PC-98 character, and a fairly unpopular one, like Kurumi here! You'd think my connection with Yuka would get me some love, but NO! In fact, very few people care about me or Kurumi, or even know we exist! This series is the first of its kind, the only one in the western Touhou community featuring us as the protagonists!?

Elly stamped her foot, glaring at the audience of Nameless Fairies and/or MoTK people, depending on where they were reading.

?And if it isn't being constantly under threat of death from my crazy boss, or being killed, reborn and rapidly restored to age indeterminate for the occasional LLS player to fight, or being studiously omitted from Yuka's backstories, or being called Komachi's archetype by dimwitted gamers, or being congratulated for having Bad Apple as a stage theme when it's not even my boss theme, it is being loopholed out of my OWN fanfiction series! And that will not stand! I demand a re-do!?

?Oh, c'mere, you kawaii bitch you.? Kurumi giggled as she scooped up a startled Elly and flew away, her cute vampire wings flapping with joy as the two harried main characters finally got their happy ending.

_{Somewhere, Orange languished in total obscurity.}

GOOD END

[Kasu]

OH DEAR GOD YES.
That had to have been the funniest thing I've read in awhile.

XD

[Drake]

This sounds like something I would write, except with Ruro. This obviously makes it better.

That was great.

[Gpop]

I feel bad for only reading the chapter with Koishi and disregarding the rest.

[Kerigis]

Obligatory picture of this (somewhat )

[FinnKaenbyou]

Waiter!Shou reminds me very very heavily of SNK's King.

...This is a good thing, as King is one of my favourite KoF characters.

Again, GJ, Ruro.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

This was the first thing I read this morning. The rest of my day was magical. GJ Ruro.

[Alfred F. Jones]

I'm baaaaaaack~

Kurumi and Elly 3.5.5.whatever the fuck this is
Unidentified Pimpin' Object

-----

"I've never been here before," Yuka said as she walked up the path to the Temple of Myouren. "Awake and conscious, at least." She ruffled Kogasa's hair, and the karakasa giggled.

Kurumi stared, dumbfounded. Ever since the incident with Kogasa going drunk with Halloween surprise power and kidnapping everyone and sucking out all their energy, Yuka hadn't acted the way she would have expected her to act. Instead of tearing Kogasa's head off, she had taken the little youkai under her wing, promising to teach her to "really scare people". Even though it was bright and sunny out, she shivered at the prospect, and decided to distract herself with conversation.

"So, Elly," Kurumi began, "What have you heard about this Palanquin Ship Crew?"

"Let's see... Murasa is a ship captain who panics and throws anchors at things all the time, Shou is a bit of a religious fanatic, Byakuren is a hippie, Nazrin and Nue are the most irritating pranksters in the world, and Ichirin is fanatical for Byakuren... well, all of them are fanatics for Byakuren. And they're all trying to get Kogasa to live with them and not us."

"That's right," Yuka's Clone said, starting to grin sadistically. "They invited us for tea, but if they try to take our little karakasa, I'll be sure to have my fun with them..."

"It's wonderful how you're able to hide your hostility so well," Kurumi muttered, now more scared than ever. But before either Yuka could reply, they had reached the front gates of the Myouren Temple.

They found the door to the temple open, and so they went in as a group. As Kurumi clung to Elly's arm, Kogasa called out into the unlit main room, "Hello, Murasa? Shou-san? Nazrin-chan? We're here for the tea time and the thing you were going to talk to us about... Palanquin Ship crew, are you here?"

"It's Byakuren. She's missing again," a voice called out from a side room. "And we're no longer the Palanquin Ship crew."

With that, Murasa, Ichirin, Shou, and Nazrin all came out dressed in hip-hop clothes, complete with bandannas, baggy pants hanging halfway down their hips so that the tops of their boxers were showing, and gold chains. Shou (wearing only a sarashi, allowing everyone a clear view of the "THUG LYFE" tattoo on her chest) pointed her spear at the Mugenkan group.

"Shou-san," Elly asked in a low voice, "Exactly what is going on, and why are you and the other Palanquin Ship crew dressed like refugees from a Wu-Tang Clan video?"

"Look," the youkai woman in question answered, "I already told you, we're not the Palanquin Ship crew anymore. We're the Palanquin Pimpsters!"

"The Pala-- what?" Yuka's Clone raised an eyebrow.

"Mmhmm," Murasa said. "And I'm no longer 'Murasa.' I'm now 'Homicidal Cap'n M, Cereal Killer,' biiiyyyyaaatch." She flashed her teeth, showing off six fake gold caps.

"And I'm no longer Ichirin," the Buddhist nun added, decked out in gold rings and bracelets. "I'm now 'Brofistin' K'."

"I'm not Nazrin, either," the mouse youkai said, putting on a pair of shades. "I am 'Tiny, Tiny, Bitch-Slapper'." Her tail flicked, showing her blinged-out mouse basket, complete with spinning rims.

"I am no longer Nue," the nue declared. "I am now U.F.Owen!" She sported a pair of brass knuckles and adjusted her "Hey N. Alien" flashing belt.

"And I," Shou finished, "Am 'Kitty Kat S'. And we are..." Shou's voice faltered as Yuka began to snicker. "Yo, flowa girl," she scowled, "You dissin' us?"

"You know," said the flower youkai, "Thanks to Mima and her annoying Tupac obsession, I've learned a thing or two about rap music. And to paraphrase one of the more popular rappers out there, 'you kids ain't nothing but some wanksters'."

"Wanksters?" Ichirin objected. "Listen here, G, I..."

"Calm down." Kurumi waved her hand. "Yuka-sama didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure you'll do great, Bedwetting K, and..."

"That's 'Brofistin' K,' not 'Bedwetting K'!"

"Wait a second, wait a second," Elly said, raising her hands for silence. "How is going from being a ship crew to a gangsta rap group going to help you save Byakuren this time around?"

"Simple," Murasa explained. "Last time we flew our ship through the sky and got beaten up by the shrine maidens and the magician to get to her, and it took us six friggin' stages for her to show up. This time though, through the magical power of gangsta rap, we're going to get her to come out sooner through FEAR. We'll get Byakuren-sama to come back to us by threatenin' to bury a cap in her ass if she doesn't. Here, check this out," she said as she flicked a switch on a huge sound system taking up most of the back wall of the temple. Loud, drum-heavy bass music began to blare from the speakers, and as the Mugenkan group looked on, the five would-be gangsters grabbed their mikes.

After some initial hip-hop posing and the flashing of fake gang signs, Kitty Kat S started off.

...

"Yo! Yo!
UFO got my face on the computer screen
Now every ho and bitch wanna git wit me
But I got no love for hos, imma use them for target practice
So Byakuren Hiziri gonna get impaled in the orifice
If she don't come out of hiding and get back wit her peeps!"

...

At that, Cap'n M, Cereal Killer took center stage.

...

"Hey! I gots my anchor, gonna go, bang her up
Make that punk-assed bitch cry like a lil' pup
I'm sick of waiting and if she don't hurry up
Imma bury a cap in Byakuren's D-cup!"

...

The two continued on with the violent, misogynistic lyrics with bass heavy music continuing to blare in the background, and all the while Brofistin' K and Tiny Tiny Bitch-Slapper kept calling out words like "Yeah!" "What?" and "Biiiyyyyaaatch!"

Four minutes later, the music finally stopped.

"So," U.F.Owen asked, "what did you think?"

"What?" Kurumi asked, the sensitive vampire's ears still ringing.

"I SAID, 'WHAT DID YOU THINK'?"

"I'm not sure," the blonde replied. "Ask me again when that terrible racket ends and the music begins."

"That was the music," Elly pointed out.

"What?" Kurumi asked.

"SHE SAID... aw, screw it," Cap'n M, Cereal Killer sighed and turned to the rest of them. "So what did the rest of you think?"

"Terrible," Elly answered.

"Awful," Yuka's Clone said.

"My god, I'm in the same game as they are," Kogasa moaned, covering her face in embarassment.

"Let me get this straight," Elly began. "The five of you got together to brainstorm, and THIS is what you came up with?"

"Sheesh," Yuka's Clone said. "I think I understand why she keeps ditching you guys."

"I enjoyed it."

Everyone turned in shock to the person who gave the good review.

"Y... Yuka?" Brofistin' K asked, dumbfounded. "You liked it?"

"Absolutely," she said with a charming smile. "I haven't laughed this hard in months."

"Damn it!" the amazon-looking youkai woman screamed as she yanked her bandanna off and threw it to the floor. "I told you guys this wouldn't work! She's out there, possibly in danger, and we can't get to her!" Shou cried.

"We can't give up, Shou," Nazrin said as she put a consoling hand on her friend's back.

"But we're Byakuren-sama's followers, and it's our duty to save her, by threatening homicide if necessary, and..."

"SHOU! NUE! MURASA! NAZRIN! ICHIRIN!" an angry voice shrieked from the doorway. Everyone in the room turned to see a very angry Byakuren glaring at the five wannabe gangsta rappers. Next to her, arm linked with hers, was Sanae Kotiya.

"B-B-Byakuren-sama," Nue stammered, "Um... How much did you hear?"

"Enough!" the nun shouted.

"Oh shit," Murasa swallowed.

Across the room, a very satisfied Yuka smiled as she stood in front row center, ready for the ass-kicking that was about to take place. Kurumi stood next to her, hoping Byakuren would open up a can of whoop-ass on Nue first, and Elly and Yuka's Clone also smiled, hiding their excitement.

"I only left forty-five minutes ago!" Byakuren said angrily. "I only went out for a bagel and a goddamn cup of coffee! I ran into Sanae tending the path up to the Moriya Shrine and when I come back with this wonderful young woman, I hear you five threatening to bury a cap in my D-cup!"

"Um... Yuka-sama," Kogasa said, pulling on Yuka's sleeve. "We might want to leave now.."

"No way!" Yuka answered with a smile on her face. "I am not about to miss this beatdown. Besides, it'll be a good lesson for yo--"

"RAAAAAAAAAAH!" Byakuren screamed, lunging at her crazy gangsta followers.

Due to images of extreme violence and carnage, and the unholy sounds of rending flesh too graphic to be depicted here, we describe for the reader this placid, soothing scene. Ignore the blood and gore, and contemplate blades of grass--

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! BYAKUREN-SAMA, I WAS JUST-- AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!"

--peaceful, waving grass--

"IT HURTS! IT HURTS, OH GOD, IT HURTS!"

--happy, soft, grass--

"BYAKURE-- OW, MY BONES! THEY DON'T BEND THAT WA-- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Yuka's Clone, Yuka, Kogasa, Kurumi, Elly, and Sanae all looked on.

"Pass the popcorn," Kurumi asked Kogasa, watching the scene.

"You got it, biiiyyyyaaatch," the karakasa replied with a smile.


The End.

...

... I should sleep more.

[nintendonut888]

You weren't going to tell me you made a new Kurumi and Elly...WERE YOU? >:< Oh well, it was pimpin' anyways.

BIYAAAAAAATCH.

[Drake]

ilu and stuff

[Ruka]

And this is why actin' gangsta should not be done without proper creds.

[Sana]

This is the best drawing I have ever done. DELICIOUS!

...But Anathe's $ necklace cannot be beat. D:

[E-Nazrin]

I missed like three stories here.

And I have enjoyed all of them.

So who was Mr. T again?

[Benny1]

I love you so much, Ruro.

[Alfred F. Jones]

xsd adnoat asked nte to writng more ayatnkri and medians

thins this nect delayed bahtpeter whheeeeeeeeeeeeeee

aaaaaah asdh tyodns ont bitcs

-----

yuakri dna emdadi statnerd taearing off each other scltohas and thnad BEEEEEEESS came

"adah' yelled aykari

"onono" medi frled and ran away

the yoadukis hid ima onw of tyuarki's caps and waitand out tha beeas storm

tnen ghty had wonlg hot yuari sexcans thened

autntil medin readlinzed that she couldmt' go ainto the abtoungardies of gensoyltlo and epxldeod fora some raosn bcase authonr needad pletot decice that looks ltjnke prloeteriat oahahahaha

yjarin kmoacned medint death and so shcf wtnt to vianst yuyajko

"ytukarko ineda yoru bhept" she askden ehr ghostfeainrd/

'waht tou needd" tha gshot ryousponded

'ring badk medi" yuetki sonadbe.d

'kay' yuyujo replidnad brougt back pisoined doll

and ayurki and medin livrad tovgether for all time the dnd

[nintendonut888]

Kekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekeke

This is the best thing I've ever forced anyone to do. :3